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Red Lipstick & Green Ink [userpic]

When I Left Work Tonight "Pictures of You" was playing loudly...

July 24th, 2006 (01:27 am)
current song: Remember/ The Ravonettes

A song everyone is tired of, but me.

Too much invested.
Too much History.

Significant to me and my First Love...
Significant to me and my Love.

When Ben and I were first spending time together, one night in my little flat...
he asked me if I had any CURE (i have virtually no sound system, a tiny box that
plays tapes and cds and the radio, rarely used) I said, well...I think I may have a
cassette, but I'm sure it won't play--it's ancient.


He got a tape I have had since High School, a cassette I myself have not gotten to play
in YEARS...(i've tried, at odd moments) to PLAY. (don't ask why i kept it, i keep stuff)

Forever I will remember that moment, as the first of our Magik.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


It wasn't an especially fruitful night at work, July is the slowest month in Austin for the
Service Industry... I had wanted to pick up the closing shift, but everyone is hungry. I
was cut at 10 PM. My last table closed out around 11PM, and I stuck around to chat
with some regulars, have a beer after I finished my side work...

I suppose I shouldn't complain, I had only a tiny fist-full of tables and still walked with
half a bill. It was easy, it was fun, I work with and for--good people. I grow closer to
them every day.

I cannot help but think, as I sit here plunking down my thoughts, and tipping back a
Lonestar from the fridge...there really won't be many more nights like this.

How many nights have I gotten off jobs, many jobs, and sat in this seat in this little room
and delineated the evenings coming and goings...

I'll have a "study" soon.
A whole ROOM for this.(?)

What will that be like?
It will be different.

I think I will feel lonely at first.
Sequestered.

I will make it my own...
Hang posters from my European travels that have been rolled up for a decade or more,
copies of paintings I loved in museums across the planet, across the Country--
fit it out as a space for 'contemplation' and writing and....A STUDY?

Do my Chinese chimes go in there?

Shelves of books, a closet full of oddities, a whole room???
I only LIVE in a whole room.

Perhaps the hardest part won't be making that place comfortable...
But spreading myself, throughout a three bedroom house.

Do I have enough in me to "fill that space"?

Home.

home.
home.
home.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am not at ease.
I am not unhappy.

Excitement....yes.
Trembling.

Yes.

I am not very good at sharing, I desire control.
The control I never had as a child, as a teenager.

Rapidly closing in on 36, and I have still never successfully cohabitated.

Will I drive him insane???
Will the animals make it impossible for me to breathe???

I am more afraid of the dog and the cat than I am of the Boy.

Breathing is...rather important.
I couldn't keep a RAT i loved....and now i am inheriting a large dog and a small cat.

*head in hands*

Well, it distracts me from the more esoteric fears...

*grins*

What an adventure.

The slap-happy desire to create a Livejournal Poll for "who thinks this will work?"
is near overwhelming.

*LAUGHING HARD*

This isn't something that's up for a VOTE, ginger....

Just another week left, in THE TREE HOUSE.

*looks around*

The small framed black and white post card of Anais Nin in her 70's... cloak spread out
around her in Central Park, her face the same as it was in 1931--is almost all that is left
on my walls. It hangs over my futon. She'll be the last to come down. My Saint.

She is watching over me, and smiling.

I'll tuck her in my bag, as I walk out the door for the last time.
I'll hang her first, in my study.



All my pictures of you......................

Comments

Posted by: a fit of obviousness (theycallmegah)
Posted at: July 24th, 2006 08:31 am (UTC)

What do you mean everyone is tired of "Pictures of You?"

That song fucking haunts me... Hunts me... But everytime it tracks me down, I stop and I reflect and I'm fucking thankful the song exists.

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: July 24th, 2006 09:13 am (UTC)
Explodex's Ginger

Good Man.

Posted by: Glenn (gev)
Posted at: July 24th, 2006 09:27 am (UTC)
love the song

love you.
love your words.

can't wait for the party and to meet this Ben feller you've fallen fer. :)

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: July 24th, 2006 10:29 am (UTC)
Re: love the song
Tuxedo Sam

Ginger's 36th Birthday Party/House Warming Party!!!

my goodness.

That will be an event.

*head in hands*

I guess I am growing....up or out, I'm growing.

I've managed to fit a whole other person into my story.

*laughs at herself*

There will be cake.

Posted by: They call me 'Benton' (die7fox)
Posted at: July 24th, 2006 01:21 pm (UTC)

Deep breaths, hon. Deep breaths.

Breathe.

You know this is what you want. :-)

Posted by: Orin (rin_o)
Posted at: July 24th, 2006 03:38 pm (UTC)
ummmm.....what?

well, if there's not enough of your stuff to fill it all, i'm sure his will cover the balance.

Posted by: beyond the gray skies (8s_and_aces)
Posted at: July 24th, 2006 03:45 pm (UTC)

"Do I have enough in me to "fill that space"?

the idea is you're not supposed to fill it all in by yourself. nor am i....

Remembering
You standing quiet in the rain
As I ran to your heart to be near
And we kissed as the sky fell in
Holding you close
How I always held close in your fear
Remembering
You running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow
And screamed at the make-believe
Screamed at the sky
And you finally found all your courage
To let it all go....

Posted by: funnyfredb (funnyfredb)
Posted at: July 24th, 2006 04:55 pm (UTC)

whenever I fell that way - about being a certain age and "not" havign done the things Ive been programmed to think I should have done at a certain age..

I think

what about that mortgage thats killing me- doesnt exist

the health problems- dont have me

child support payments/ issues with visitation- dont have em

you dont have a lot- and thats a good thing- youve worked very hard at that- both consciously and subconsiously

PS jaq was cool


matt

Posted by: Pumping Iron Hearts (woundedmarigold)
Posted at: July 24th, 2006 11:50 pm (UTC)
emo

I am never tired of the Cure; I am never tired of that song.

Posted by: barry_barry (barry_barry)
Posted at: July 25th, 2006 05:13 am (UTC)
santa cruz hand

You wouldn't BELIEVE the pictures and notes to/from Nin at Henry Miller's Library in Big Sur. You really wouldn't. I wanted to stay for a day, several days, but had to get home. Fate told me not to stay there too long, because it might have kept me.

I just realized that I TOTALLY just said I need to get home, when I meant back to the beach house I'm renting in Santa Cruz. That easily.

Something switched today. This feels like home. This is how I'm supposed to live. This is how I'm supposed to be alive, just as THAT is how you're supposed to be alive. I'm so making this into a post here pretty soon. Maybe after I finish off a few more of the beers that Sean and Greg left in the fridge. I may have to donate the last third of a bottle of Maker's Mark that they left from the beach fire-trip last night.

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