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Red Lipstick & Green Ink [userpic]

I'm up too late, I should be sleeping.

July 7th, 2006 (05:23 am)

(*EDIT: opened it...I'm a sucker.)

Even for me, this is off board.

I have a 10 AM shift tomorrow.

I keep looking back at him, asleep in my bed.
My futon, a cotton batting mat on the floor.
The place that has been my rest and my playground.

No more cutesy, I know who is reading my journal, and try
as I may, I can't not write to them.

I have been trying to keep myself open, the journal open.
See how I handled it all.

I'm really leaving this place.
I am leaving THIS PLACE.

Not the space, the PLACE.

All the things I tell myself I will never do again....
I'm doing them.

I'm jumping off the roof of a three story building.

The girl who can't commit.
The girl who doesn't NEED this shit.

I've aligned myself with someone.
I've become what I loathe....
A TEAM.

*laughing*

BENGER???

Dear god.

The hardest part to understand...
Is why I want it.

I run through all the questions in my head,
all the reasons I could be making this choice, that are not solid.

I can't find a gap.

There is a squeaky voice that keeps asking me....
"Are you doing this because you have given up your ideals, are you doing this
because you are tired and lonely, are you doing this because EVERYONE else does?"

But a booming gut voice comes back, and stamps the squeak out.

I'm doing this, because he asked me to dinner.



There.

Where does anything start?
At the beginning.



He looked me in the face tonight and said he hoped he died first.

I don't think he knew I knew what he meant.
I did.

I've said that to my Mother.
And said exactly what he said next, to her.
I know that sounds so selfish...


This Man.
I want him.
I want to be his.

All the things I have Championed in my world, sought and bought and refused to sell...
This is the moment where it all comes together.

ME the animal.
ME the idea.

I KNOW WHO I AM.

This man completes me.



There's a pool of water at the bottom of this jump,
that pool doesn't have a bottom.

I trust Him.
I trust Myself.

We are better together than apart.
We make something that is strong and useful.

Larger than ourselves.

Comments

Posted by: They call me 'Benton' (die7fox)
Posted at: July 7th, 2006 01:06 pm (UTC)

*applauds*

Posted by: emily (tugena13)
Posted at: July 7th, 2006 02:35 pm (UTC)

i'm gonna buy you guys a toaster. :)

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: July 9th, 2006 03:35 am (UTC)
Bubble of Serenity

I have a toaster.

Send beer.

*hugs you and loves you and kisses your shoulder*

Posted by: emily (tugena13)
Posted at: July 9th, 2006 09:36 am (UTC)

heheheh. gimme an address and i'll figure out how to mail you some chicago-exclusive beer.

Posted by: adhafrfh (murder_trampp)
Posted at: July 7th, 2006 06:06 pm (UTC)

Well, coming from someone who is coming out of a BAD engagement...

(And I am sure you know this already)

BUT whatever you do, don't share a bank account!!!

He is fucking me financially. Ack!

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: July 9th, 2006 02:46 am (UTC)
Tankgirl

I have an ex-husband, too....

I'm old and played.
I'm old, and bent out of shape.

You give wise words, and I cringe thinking about what you are going through.
I am so so so very sorry.

Friend.
I don't even HAVE a bank account.
Never have.

*GRINS*

THAT is how bent I am.

Posted by: Frank (heidinabucket)
Posted at: July 7th, 2006 08:59 pm (UTC)

"We are better together than apart."
And there you have the nub of it all dear GINGER.
You become that cacophony of noise and dance that makes the others song and rhythm of life fuller and rich.

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: July 9th, 2006 02:26 am (UTC)
Holy Shit Happens

I've not believed.

I am a Believer, again.

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