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Red Lipstick & Green Ink [userpic]

I'm a 'Pleaser' at heart...a self-centered Monster, in the depths of my soul.

July 1st, 2006 (08:41 pm)
current song: AUSTIN CITY LIMITS, KLRU PBS--Ben harper (Diamonds on the Inside)

I have always wanted everyone to LIKE ME.

I spend vast blocks of energy trying to calm nerves and settle arguments surrounding
my life, encircling it. I suppose that is why I make a good waitress. When it comes
down to it I am not so much concerned with the happiness of my table--but what they
are going to leave for me. I make them happy.

I convince myself otherwise--I have to live with my living and how I make it.

My "Table"?

I curse those fuckers, when behind the kitchen wall.
*sigh*
*short laugh*

If I kept better tags, I could reference what a table means to me....

*fingers dig through hair*

The Boy is out of Town.
Visiting his Family.
The part of the Family with the 'Mansion and the Yacht'.......
A Reunion on his Father's side--I hope he is weathering it well.
It's stress for him....even with the water skiing and all.
No seriously, that's not it....

When he gets back on Sunday I have to work that evening,
and he works Monday morning and I work Monday night....
And then the 4th of July we have the day off.

Only....His little boy and his first ex wife are coming into Town.
I cannot be around her, not this time.
We were friends once, but that time is now apparently LONG gone.
*sigh*
I wanted her to be okay with He and I together...I thought we had enough history.
She didn't have to be "happy"--just tolerate me.
But that...no, that has not happened.
Our last visit together proved....

She really really, doesn't like me.

At a time when my insides are trembling, I am looking around at my whole Universe
about to change inside out.... I have a week, of the four weeks left before the move...
WIPED.

I need him.
I have so many questions, so many concerns...
But the reality of the moment at hand is: Not Available.

I'm scared and twitchy.
I need to call utilities and find out about switching mine over, I have utilities in good
standing that can easily move...My Name.
Do we HAVE-have the House???
And how much will be....in My Name?

*head in hands*

My notice has been given. The Tree House is paid up...
What happens when I cut my internet folks?
How much of what I use is from my service and how much is just stuff I have....
I really don't understand the details.
My mail, my address, my ability to control.

My scooter is not working, right.
My sense of independence is flickering and failing me.

It bothers Ben that I have so much confidence in Barry, to fix it.
But Bear has taken Thelonious apart down to his skin and fixed him several times.
And right now, Ben is not here.
I need the bike.

Ironically, in a Sisterly move...Barry is not in Town either.
He's visiting his Family.
*laughing*
Wait, is that ironic or just disappointing???

*laughs harder*

I'm alone.
The girl who wants EVERYBODY to be happy, so they will make HER happy???

Is all alone.

And all the things I've done to juggle the feelings of others to make myself feel right...
are blowing up in my face.

I'm scared.
I'm tired.
I'm more scared, than tired.

I'm pacing into a land-mine. Step, step, step.

And I still haven't told my Family that I am moving.

I know that everyone is doing what they need to do, but no one is doing what I need
them to do.

I am not being held. No one is here to tell me I am beautiful and amazing and smart.
No one is blindly happy to be with me.

Cannot pull out now, and this is PANIC, I couldn't make a decision like that in this state.
It's done.
And it's doing.

My heart is thumping in my chest and I am crying too much.
No--I start to cry, and then chastise myself. Suck it up BABY.
I am snivvling a lot.

Such a sad state of being.
I thought more of myself.
I was wrong.

Shallow and cheap and bitter and jealous...
Scared and weak and watching the walls fall...

I KNOW!!!!
I DO want this.

Can't we just get to the GOOD part already???

I can take it, I can settle it, when I have my fortress....
But I don't have my Fortress anymore.

I'm hanging by a limb, where once there was a Tree House.

Yup.
Ginger is FREAKING out.

toes dangling in space.

I have no control.

I clipped all my nails, but I haven't cut my hair.
*laughs at herself*

*DEEP BREATH*


It's going to be alright, isn't it....
I know.

Ginger's don't change easily.
The struggle is vehement.

I threw a copy of ALICE IN WONDERLAND at my Father...
when he told me we were leaving Germany, early.
He came down the stairs of our Town House, to my basement room...my fortress.
And he said:
I've spent my whole career making sure you and your brother
graduated from a place you had spent at least two years at...


I burst into tears and threw the large book I was reading, at the door...
that he had closed behind himself, when I burst angrily into tears.

I knew what was coming.

A Senior year in Southern California.
I don't think I ever finished, that book.

*sigh*

We have so many loverly bookshelves in the new House.................

*sigh*

THIS is where I come to calm down.
It isn't a place.
It is an idea.

If I vent long enough.....
I come around.

It's the JOURNAL.
It has always been, the JOURNAL.
Now it talks back.

*glances about at her shelf and her trunk full of handwritten volumes dating back to '78*

Moving time again.
How I fight it.

I always fight it.

The Tree House is falling apart, because it is no longer needed.
Time to Grow.

I Love Him.
I Trust Him.

In the Depths of my Monster Soul.......
I Trust Him.

No one any less complicated could ever tug me into the vortex
He's shiny and crazy and deep.

No one any less complicated, could ever make me love him like this.

Daddy didn't tell me I had to leave.
Benjamin ASKED me to.

And I said Yes.

I wanted to say Yes, I still do.
I'm still scared, too.

He is not simple or calm or sensible or practical.

He is everything I crave.......and all I need.

My Equal, My Challenge, My Love.

Comments

Posted by: Zutroy (zutroy)
Posted at: July 2nd, 2006 02:21 am (UTC)
Have faith, tiny Ginger

I don't take many things for granted, but this...

This

...will happen.

Now take another deep breath and think happy thoughts of old-school wood paneling, and sitting with Ben in your very own backyard.

Posted by: Christian Wilkie (fortunine)
Posted at: July 2nd, 2006 02:58 am (UTC)
POST PUNK POETRY

You are beautiful and amazing and smart. No one can deny that.

I'm one of those nausiating little lavender haired girls who sit in coffee houses drinking espresso and talking about Proust, while chain smoking. Um, I even wear 8-hole Dr. Martens...
Nothing's ever really forgotten.

Good luck with what you gotta do.

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: July 2nd, 2006 04:29 am (UTC)
Re: POST PUNK POETRY
Ginger1991

It's YOU!

*blink blink*

wow.

*laughing*

I cannot believe...it's YOU.

I love that picture.

*laughing and laughing*

I am just so surprised.

Thank You.

You've no idea....no.
I suppose you do.

*still laughing*

It's so good to...hear from you.

You've such timing...

*shakes head*

Thank you, I will do what I gotta do.

*squeezes herself and grins at you*

Posted by: Christian Wilkie (fortunine)
Posted at: July 2nd, 2006 05:21 am (UTC)
Re: POST PUNK POETRY

It's a fated night, it seems. I was only going to take a bike ride around the lake, when I needed to fix my flat front tire.

I was going to fix my flat tire, when I discovered a box of cruft behind my bike in the closet.

I was going to separate the cruft from the essentials and take it out to the trash, when I found a folder of printouts, writing exercises from Prodigy.

I was going to sift through useful writing samples when I found the printout of celebrating my 23rd birthday, and you made your first "hello".

Well! You can see I had to say something.

Good luck with your move, man. There is nothing to dread; there is everything to gain. It'll be hard, it'll entail some work, but everything you do will yield its immediate reward. Everything around you will have your fingerprint, glowing with pride. You will kick yourself for not having done this sooner, but please remember that these things only happen exactly as they should. And now's your time!

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: July 2nd, 2006 05:34 am (UTC)
Re: POST PUNK POETRY
Little City Grin

What an odd and FABULOUS sign you seem to me tonight.

*HAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA!!!!*

Thank You.

Posted by: Orin (rin_o)
Posted at: July 2nd, 2006 04:06 am (UTC)

"And I still haven't told my Family that I am moving."

well, there's your family, and then there's your family.

either way, i'd say you're just someone who wants to be happy, that has trouble being happy when other aren't happy.

Posted by: hairypolack (hairypolack)
Posted at: July 2nd, 2006 08:40 am (UTC)

"And I still haven't told my Family that I am moving."


what are you talking about- you told us all weeks ago



oh you meant THAT family.....!

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: July 2nd, 2006 08:56 am (UTC)
Dog

You know...
I really thought you would have said something dreadful there.

Nice.

You are Family.

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