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Red Lipstick & Green Ink [userpic]

Naked, Hung Over...and down to 2 Cigarettes

May 31st, 2006 (03:47 pm)

It must be Wednesday.

*rubs head--lights one of her last smokey treats*

I wish there was a meter, with a dial...not analog
that showed how much I have gleaned, learned, joyed over, grown from...

Because of Livejournal and the Computer?

And what I have LOST.



Instant communication, what bliss.
Instant communication with a written RECORD.

oh fucking JOY.


See, in a bar or sitting on my futon in my darkened tiny little cave of a flat....
things can be said, and forgotten.

But not here, oh NO my Friends and FListers...not here.
It is all there, GLARING at you in the morning even if you have locked it private.

It was out there, you know you said it, you cannot take it back.

It's out there.

*head in hands*

It's a VERY good idea to you at o'dark-thirty to copy an entire conversation from AIM
to an email....a VERY good idea.

Not so much.
Not so much.

And I sit here, needing a shower, staring at myself in the mirror over my Blinky Box
that is there to keep me honest....
And I hate myself.
I hate my vices, my pettiness, my selfishness, and my tan shoulders.


There is so much darkness in me, in the weeeee hours, and I could contain it before...
Now it just spills out into the universe.

I need frames.
I need borders.

They keep me from hurting myself and others....

When will I gain the fortitude to make those places within myself, and not rely on
forces outside?

There is a reason I have never owned a car, had a bank account or carried a credit
card. And they are not nearly as noble as I would like to believe.

I cannot handle the responsibility.
I work better when I am scrambling on the edge...
I take care of myself...when there are dangers.

I do not know how to relax and be happy.
I do not know how to enjoy the fruits, the simple fruits, unless there is a cliff at the edge.

So I infuse drama into moments that do not require it.
I make things more difficult, so that I have borders and boxes and caves.

Benjamin, don't let me fuck this up.
Teach me something I don't know.
Show me something I haven't been able to see......

*fires up last fag*


I don't want to lose the one person who could take me to an edge that is real.
Not paper.

Comments

Posted by: John Doheny (jdquintette)
Posted at: May 31st, 2006 09:00 pm (UTC)

It's a VERY good idea to you at o'dark-thirty to copy an entire conversation from AIM
to an email....a VERY good idea.


Ever seen Gregory Peck and Lauren Bacall in "Designing Woman"?

I'm thinking of Peck's immortal line:

"Liquor I have found, makes me very smart."


Posted by: Pumping Iron Hearts (woundedmarigold)
Posted at: June 1st, 2006 01:29 am (UTC)
emo

You won't fuck it up.

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: June 1st, 2006 07:43 am (UTC)
Cup & Lip

I very nearly did.

Posted by: Pumping Iron Hearts (woundedmarigold)
Posted at: June 1st, 2006 08:24 am (UTC)
emo

Not enough to be enough.

4 Read Comments