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Red Lipstick & Green Ink [userpic]

I've been miserable for weeks and weeks.....

June 7th, 2005 (05:32 am)
current song: Moulin Rouge DVD on LOOP

Sitting in white linen restaurants with Friends,
lusting after long starched aprons, again.

For a job, I am proud of.
That challenges my mind and my own sense of accomplishment.

Theatre--to the bad MOVIE, i have been living in, paycheck to paycheck.
With benefits I claim I am there for, but never use.
A promise to my Father.

I ache to woo, with a wine list again, and use
what I have learned these past 16 years....
What I know better, than other people know.
what I love.

I want to support a good kitchen.
And walk with cash applause, for my quirks and passions.
I have many.
They are all mine.

I miss the Theatre.

I've grown angrier and angrier
with every perfectly labeled blender drink......
Green lines.
Green straw.
A waste of my energy.
A constant frustration.
An embarrassment.

Night mares, where I snap lid after lid after lid onto clear plastic cups.

In the last six months...My best Friend in all the World, left Austin.
My Lover, looked up one evening, and realised he didn't love me anymore.
I thought he was the one.......for........I thought he was the one.

And the only constant in my life.....has been a job as supervisor
at STARBUCKS.


My 35th Birthday is looming.

And I have been
not-so-quietly
losing
my ever lovin' mind.

But Daddy was proud...

I think zutroy put it best tonight, when he called back:
(slight paraphrase)

I really pictured this scenario going down...Much worse.
You storming out in a stream of curses, burning every bridge
and possibly taking out some furniture along with them.

This way, you still have everyone's affection.
They all still care about you.
You can move on, and you haven't lost everything.



*sigh*

Stupid Boy Scout....How I adore you.
And you are leaving, too.


elitistbill called next,
from The Big Easy.
And then skidspoppe.........
from Vegas.

The Men who keep me...from the edge.


My Friends.
All of them too far away, to hold me tonight.

And that is probably for the best.


I hated where I was.
The last straw is broken.

I cannot give up.
So I must start over.

I am going to do it alone.
I have no choice this time.



The boy, caused the crack.
I know that.


TRUTH BEAUTY FREEDOM AND LOVE

(yeah, it's that part of the movie...)


((okay, i love this part...."ROOOOOOOXANNE"))


Damn, I wish I could Dance.
With a Partner.


*head in hands*



Back to the basics.
It's summer time in Austin.
Hard to get a gig doing what I know how
to do best.

But it's me.
I'll find it.

This is my Home.

I Live Here.
I know People.

It's me.

Sarah, I'll turn the page.
Geof, what you said...stuck.


Charles....Monopolowa is spelled with a W.
Proving, that you've heard my voice.....
more than you've read my screen.
Even after all these many years.
Apart.

Thank-you.



Now.
I just need to find that Red Dress again.

And go on with the Show.

Comments

Posted by: Prufrock's Peach (bluemamie)
Posted at: June 7th, 2005 10:47 am (UTC)

hang in there girlie.

be true to you.

& remember.

you are never down for long.

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: June 7th, 2005 10:53 am (UTC)
WW Stand

You make me want a Blue dress.

But the one I need

is Red.

Posted by: Pumping Iron Hearts (woundedmarigold)
Posted at: June 7th, 2005 04:55 pm (UTC)

You got this.

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: June 7th, 2005 08:58 pm (UTC)
Spirited Away

i got it.

Posted by: truejessi (truejessi)
Posted at: June 15th, 2005 05:44 pm (UTC)
Damn

Ginger you are great. You are going through a rough spot. I read a story once about two catapillars, wanna hear it? Here it goes...

The was a little girl who saw two crysalis (i don't know how to make that plural, just work with me!!) She saw a little butterfly emerging from one. She sat and watched the caterpillar stuggle and stop, struggle and stop, struggle and stop. Finally she decided that she couldn't watch the poor little guy work so hard when she could easily help. She gently pulled the cocoon back and placed the butterfly on the grass. The butterfly just laid there. His wings were still stuck together and toO heavy to fly. He couldn't move. After a day or so that butterfly died and the girl felt horrible. A few days later the other butterfly began to emerge. He stuggled the same as the first one had. The little girl was, needless to say, too scared to touch it. It took him a while but he eventually freed himself and flew away. Aparantly, the stuggle from the cocoon rids the butterfly of excess membrane so the butterfly's wings will be prepared for flight.

So, all in all, the stuggle is what makes the butterfly's life worth living. It may suck. You may be tired. You may just want to stay in your damn cocoon all your life. But once the pain is though, there will be something beautiful accomplished.

Now I have to go produce some bacterial colonies...

I LOVE YOU GINGER!! FEEL FREE TO CALL ME ANYTIME!!

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: June 17th, 2005 07:04 am (UTC)
I hear your story...I match.

I was little...My Father was the Rescue Coordination Comander
of the South Pacific.

Kadena, Okinawa Japan.

Mom and I went to go pick up Pop from work.
He wasn't there.
That happened a lot.
We weren't allowed to know where he was
or when he was coming back.

I played in the parking lot.
And along the grass that encircled it.

I found a butterfly...
It was about to rain.

It rained a lot on Okinawa.

I imagine now...it must have been hurt.
In my head at the time...I thought it wanted
my help.

I was 11.

I built a little house for it.
So it wouldn't get wet.
So the stuff on it's wings wouldn't wash off.
It could be safe.

I knew the stuff on it's wings
made it fly.
I knew not to TOUCH a butterfly.

Weeks passed.
I was once again in the parking lot.
Waitning for my Father.

I saw the little house I had built
was still there.

I walked over and pulled off the roof
to look inside.

Inside was a dead butterfly.

I'll be 35 in a few months.
And very little has matched that shock.

That shock of failure.

Of Misdirection.

That story is Mine.
I didn't read it, Dear.

I adore you--
but you've no idea what kind of cocoon I own.

Or who has touched my wings.



Tell me of the colonies....I will call.

Posted by: candice (candice)
Posted at: June 17th, 2005 10:17 pm (UTC)
you will do fine.

and if you ever feel the need to visit your Bill here, we should go have a drink sometime. (You know, I just clicked into his journal from here, and I might have already run into the man at a coffeehouse. Odd.)

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