November 22nd, 2005


(no subject)

so empty for days.

I started a bender early friday night...
that lasted without break until late saturday morning.

i haven't bothered to look back yet and see what was said.
i know letters were sent.
i know letters were not sent.

i went about cutting, and removing.
gathering distance.

Something about the shock of coming home friday night,
and there being no livejournal...tripped my wire.
I might otherwise have turned in, having just had dinner and movies
with a friend I am getting to know.

But I poured a shot of monopolowa instead, and dug in for the evening,
on into the late morning.
The idea of uncontrollable change, heavy in the front of my head.
Tipping my lobe forward, in my own kind of prayer.

Since that morning, when I finally crashed for a few hours
on saturday, i haven't had a drink.
Though each night Bill has been here he has tipped through nearly a bottle
of whisky
on his own.

i've been quiet, distant.
i won't see him again until next year.

i just don't feel it right now.
i cannot feel anything.
i have shut something down, and it is as though i have lost limbs, fingers, skin.

My chemicals finally aligned today, and i am released from my now unbalanced
cycle that has lost it's way with the moon.

i am out of sync.
but finally released.

i feel slightly less crazy, now
but no less numb.

tomorrow i buy the apples, the fresh cranberries, the sugar and the flour...
i am leaving for my parents, on wednesday night.

time to make faces.
bake pies.
play scrabble.

i keep pinching at myself, but the only thing i can feel is the cramping pain
in my guts, that tells me i am alive.