July 28th, 2005

Bear

It is difficult to write this...

I've stared at the blinking cursor for several minutes.

I really cannot find the words--as I'm responding to something
entirely alien to me.

I've decided to block the "anonymous" comment option on my journal.
I do so, very reluctantly.

Someone who claims to know me, but would not identify themselves...
said some very hurtful things under one of my entries yesterday morning.

For the first time in a long time, I have been feeling my feet beneath me again...
Thanks to the constant encouragement of not only my LJ Friends, but a delightful
handful of new local Friends.

The last months have tested me, and taken me apart.
I've spent a lot of that time, on my knees and on my face.

I will not for a moment say I have handled any of this gracefully.

But August is nearly here.
The date I set as a block, a stop gap--A Deadline.
And I am following through on that promise to myself.
To get better, to Be better...to find what I have let slip away.

To take control of my own Bliss, once again.



But I am still fragile
and cannot afford these blind attacks right now.


Closing this option feels like a defeat, in so many ways.

I have been contacted by long-lost Friends from my past
through this connection
my journal that is so easy to find...
I want anyone to be able to contact me.
Why I have always maintained my phone number
in the Phone Book.
Why for years...none of my entries were locked at all.
Time and time again, my openness paid off.

The world isn't quite the safe place I would like it to be, anymore.
I suppose it never was...I was simply lucky for a very long time.
I am learning.

But for the same reason I know that holding and allowing yourself
to be consumed by anger towards another person--
gives them far more power over you,
I feel I have given too much away to someone
who wanted to take it.

I'm giving up part of my own freedom...
to be safe?

That is a theme I am MORE than reluctant to back,
in these times we are living in.



My Friends will have to look a little harder, try a little harder...
to contact me now. But I am certain that they will.

And you will have to show your face, coward.
You will have to own your words, when you judge me
in my own Home.

I am not now, and have not ever been, EMPTY.