April 24th, 2005


I seem to be very Busy, of late....

First solo night, home after work, in nearly a week.

Suddenly exhausted.
Glad to be alone.

I have been shoving a lot of activity into the empty space.
If I crash, I don't have to try and fall asleep.

If I'm around a lot of people--I am ON.

I forget...stuff.

I get to be Shiny Ginger.
...Blow Kisses, Hug Hugs, Smile and Dance.

I Have Tuesday off--hoping at long last to get my shit together
and have my scooter towed.

I'm losing it.

It's too easy not to do ANYTHING, when I have cash.
And I'm eating into the Scooter fund rapidly.

Time for the reigns--AND the whip.

Has been fun to finally be able to be like I used to be...
pick up the tab, take Friends out...

But that isn't what that money is FOR.
Not why I've saved it.

I need to take care of REAL Happy....
not the surface varietal.

Time isn't making me miss Him any less.
It's deepening the ache.

Clarifying it.
I'm past the feral emotions...
Now I am simply
Wondering if I could have avoided........


I'm questioning MYSELF finally.

Seeing, what I did wrong.

(yes, Friends, I realise I am still in THE PROCESS
but knowing is not even NEARLY half the battle...)

We've said, in six months, we'll be able to sit down and Talk
about IT.
He'll finally tell me--why.

i am so afraid.

Why can't I just not CARE???
Why cannot I just brush this off and go on?

The Moon has my body cramping, sending hormones
to my already addled brain....
Doubt and Panic, like a drug
that is released every 28 days.

I have always been secretly fond of the fact
that I cycle with the Full Moon...
But it is often more than I can take.

To physically HURT, while your emotions spin
out of control--under the direction of that huge
shiny stone in the night sky.

*empty laugh*

He used to look up in the sky, when I was
acting crazy.....
To see where we stood on the map of Lunacy.

::shakes herself::



Hey, Tuesday is my Parent's 36th Wedding Anniversary....
That's pretty COOL.

I cringed and laughed on my last visit--when rooting
through the medicine cabinet of their bathroom for a Tylenol...
I found some little blue pills, for Daddy.
I was reading the prescription label, and almost dropped them!


Damn, they're still AT IT!!!!


Rock on Mom and POP!

*cringes despite herself*



Oh hell.
It's going to get better....
I'll get over all this.

There will be NEW adventures.

MORE stories.

I bounce back, just....a little slower now.

*Cracks her Zippo and touches it to the fag between her Teeth*

I'll be FINE.
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