April 6th, 2005


The Cheap Part.......

I know why it went wrong, as surely as I know why it's killing me.

I loved the Lifestyle.

He didn't cling.
HE didn't cloy.

He took me to great parties.

I loved his "MORNING DANCE"--nice little red tighty reddies....
like superboy.

I was the NOT morning girl, burying her face in the pillows, but giggling,
and looking up.

He's a great dancer.
Actually, He is.

HE has a pretty face.
HE makes me laugh.

He told me I was different from his last girl--I Wanted something...
to be CREATIVE...

Like He, I didn't want marriage, or children...

There was more to life than that.

Maybe we would vacation in Iceland?

We looked at tickets.....

I got excited by work parties....made elaborate food--
and basked in the praise from coworkers who made things happen

I was vain, and chuffed, to be allowed in.

HE has my Fantastic Four T-shirt...that was a gift from another friend...
but he looks too good in it, to ask for it back.

Even though he doesn't have any idea who they are,
and will not wear it.

I'll ask for it back.


I won't wear it either--it's toooo big.

But maybe it will go in the quilt one day?

*head in hands*

In the end.......
he was giving too much.

I was basking, and playing HOUSE.

I wasn't being myself....
I wasn't being the Girl he Met.

I was being a 34 year old--who wanted, FINALLY
to settle down.

I broke even My OWN rules.

And my Father comforted me by saying:

A man, and I'm sorry to say I am one of those creatures too,
Is his job. He wants to find out how far he can go......
and maybe he's afraid to risk taking you there.

Best conversation I have EVER had with my Pop.

Somehow, it made me feel better.


Younger Men.............

*laughs at herself*

I wanted to let this rest easy.....
be his Friend.

But I've ruined that.

I'm his EX now.
The crazy one.

The last.......crazy one.
Until the next, crazy one.



The Cheap part is...
I do love him.
I can't take him back,
and he doesn't want me back.

Somehow in the midst of all that fun......

The way he smells, and laughs in his sleep....
The costumes I made for Halloween--HE made a GREAT
Speed Racer....
I made a great Trixie.

How well I got along with his Pop, Smitty--
and the fact that Mom gave Smitty directions to the house.....
for NEXT Christmas?

It didn't work.

I wasn't enough.

I failed...by becoming...
A Girlfriend.

I didn't stay

Now it's over.........
and one of my drunk calls
consisted of me trying to tell him:

I'm BACK, I'm the girl you met--that night...

I want...i want so badly to meet you all over again
I'll do it right this time.

I'm spent.

I am about ready
to do what my dear DEAR Friend elitistbill
is fond of calling:

Throw Bodies At It.


Who's Next.

(no subject)

Do you have ANY idea...
how much poison I consumed tonight???

Half a bottle of Jameson's whisky and a sixer of Tecate.
I shouldn't be able to stand.

But I can type, all five foot two inches and a hundred and thirty-five pounds
of ME.

Maybe I can't stand.
I haven't tried in a while....


But I'm still here.
Still typing.

*head in hands*


it all still HURTS.

There IS no numb.
Save black out.
Save sleep....

Poe's Little slices of Death.

CAN i finally pull away from the distraction of the screen?
Lay down?

I know, on the flip side of my tongue--all of this......

And will pass.

But my head, not my heart, my HEAD says......
Yes, but there comes a time, when one has had enough of the boards.

I didn't want theatre any more.
I wanted to crawl into bed every night with the same Man.


not in my heart, not in my head.

I let my guard down.

He was like me....
Sooo like me.

What happens next?

What is left???

I think the last thing left to break--
has been broken.

Seriously Folks...
I have almost sat down to these keys several times
in the last few days....
to tell you I had nothing left.

But it sounded too Dramatic.

One doesn't leave a suicide note on Livejournal....
that's ridiculous.

Even if you've prepped three people with your codes in case something happens...


I can't do that double injustice to 931.

So I will go to bed drunk now, and wake up in the morning...
go to work.
Make coffee.

I'll laugh with my Friends there, and come home late.

I'll be embarrassed by this post......
but know it's been a long time coming.

I should have told you...I've been wanting to DIE.

for weeks.

But I haven't.

Now I have.

We'll all go on.

I'm rubbing my nose, to keep from crying.
I can't cry anymore.

I know.

Everyone gets Dumped.


I never wanted to get hauled up to begin with.
I never wanted to be that girl.

I was solid....

Now I'm not.

I got taken apart....I believed in something I never ever let myself
believe in.

Then--without cause or reason.
It ended.

And my brain hurts.
More than my heart--
My brain hurts.

Like when GOD dies.


I Love that picture you took of me
On the Tower.....

(wow typing is harder now)

I keep going back to look at it.

Going to bed now, to sleep.

Will curl up and think of You.

Will HATE the alarm when it goes off.........

But promise

to love the day later.