Little Thing

If I don't do it here,
I will just type nonsense to my Therapist.

Yes. I finally have one.
Wanted since I was 13.

In my 20's I asked for one.
Folks said no.
In my 30's I asked for one.
Folks said no.
In my 40's I showed up in an E-Bus at St Davids.
Still ranting, with a .34 BAC.

Austin, said YES.

8 days in a Crisis center.
3 months in IOP (Intensive Out Patient)
And every Thursday I get to talk with Jill.

I balked and left a very good job.
They wouldn't let me take care of my Father.
When I took the Job at "The Austin W Hotel"
The managers in charge?

I was told I would always be able to leave.
To take my Father to Houston's MD Anderson.
Sitting in my interview...
I looked those two women in the eye.
Told them I would not take the job, unless.

They assured me, this would not be a problem.

Turn over.
New people.
Both of them left.
I hadn't had anything signed.
My deal was lost.

I quit.

I was dying anyway.

How can you live entirely alone?
I went to work at 10 PM
I got off around 6:30 AM.
I bought groceries. I went home

I slept, until it was time to go back.

My shift was solo.
Imagine living entirely alone?
One Cook in the kitchen,
me with a wall between us?

I met many important and fashionable people.
Sarah Silverman is as kind and funny and wonderful
as any TV show could have told you.

Lady GaGa surrounds herself with people
she knows from her past. They are nice.
I got to tell them where the fun places in Austin are.
It was a pleasure to go to that scary room.
(one of my first runs solo was GaGa @__@ )

George Eads kissed me on the head...
Because his friend was being an ass.

I brought Champagne to Elton John.
In the little room down stairs.
He doesn't stay in the expensive suite.
He stays with the person who maintains
His costumes.

FUN is fun, they aren't dicks.

Ashton Kutcher is.
He was nice to me.
He treated my coworker
an older Hispanic man?
Like nothing.
Two girls
taking up the suite next door
but attached?
Ordered mad foooooood.
When he brought it up?
He was yelled at, and shamed.

Ashton Kutcher is a DICK.

My coworker, one Saturday night SXSW...
Came down and said: Well they were just weird.
Who is "THE CURE"?



You never know when you go up???
We had "Kubrick" and well... dead, right?
Who the hell would...

*Knock knock knock* "In room dining!"

Jack Black.

But I was dying there.
Fun Fun Fun, but no.
I went home and went to bed at 1 PM
I woke up at 9 PM
I started it all over again.

I had no friends.
I had not be.
I just started to rot inside.

I am trying to dig out of that now.
The job has no money.
I am afraid.
I have one month of rent......

Then Ginger has got to DANCE hard.

I miss the stage.
Maybe this way, I will survive.

"When I grow up..."

I remember learning HTML to make this thing work for me...
Cannot remember ANY of it now. Probably doesn't require it anymore, nothing does.
"Social Media"

I came to this thing thinking it would be odd to have a "Talking Journal"--in that
This one would talk back.

I had written everything down forever, but people could SEE this.
Comment on it?
How bizarre.

I've left my shame and pride and protocol on the floor behind me
like shed clothes
after a hard night of I stagger to bed.
I have forgotten all the rules I wrote by, that made this space so unique and strange.

FB has made me a whore.
Instant fulfillment, with little effort, and look! PICTURES @____@
Gosh, they are so easy to post.

I didn't have to address the coffee stained scraps of paper surrounding my Blinky Box
scratched with all the HTML cheats I couldn't manage to memorize.

I had already stopped writing.
The accident (head injury of '07) left me feeling no need.
I wasn't hungry for it anymore.
It didn't hurt me NOT to, like it used to do.

So I learned how to post pictures of food I made, find family and old friends
world wide... I imagine I started the game in '08 with a good deal more filters built
than the average FB user--but I had been churned and learned on the Old Mill--LJ. ^___^
I find myself teaching others how to do this now, and it always surprises me how much
people don't think about what is read, and by whom.
[(SIC) i know, someone reads it all]

But this is faaaaar too much of a set up
to admit
I am here
Because I am hungry tonight. For the first time I can remember.
Nothing I have said above this line is why I came here. (I say "tonight" as a 3rd Shifter)
It is 8 in the morning... and I am on a limb looking down.

I did something.
Something from my heart. Spontaneous and with great Hope.
I met this person online, through one of my long trusted long distance LJ friends.
My friend and I have met numerous times, she has flown to Austin, I know her.
I know her heart. I helped her once a very long time ago. When I did not know her.
But I trusted her even then, and she never disappointed.

I still trust her. This is not her fault. This is no ones fault.
It simply is.

I took a leap of faith. One should do that a few times in life...
Keeps the blood flowing.

There was this boy.
Doesn't it always start this way?
And he was very sad, and very cold.
I work a lonely job that pays me well.

I would come home in the morning from work, and he and I would chat endlessly online.
He had little in the way of "devices"... so I sent him one as a gift, so it would be easier.
It was.
We could Skype.

This went on from November into Spring.
I heard his stories, I watched his face.
He wanted to be somewhere ELSE.
His life had been cruel to him, his Love had died of the very thing killing my own Father.

My heart ached for him.
I asked him if he might want...
to be somewhere else, somewhere warm?
I sent him enough money to get him HERE, here to Austin.

I told him not to come
if he was coming for ME.
I rarely feel available in that way.
He assured me that no, he was coming here to start over.

He was in a HOUSE, where he was receiving HELP after his breakdown.
I felt confident that he was in a place, inside himself, to start over.
I, for the first time in my life, had the resources to make this possible.
So he came.

That was last May.

He helped my move, in June, from my little efficiency studio apartment
into a place I happily call 'THE UNICORN' apartment.
There isn't another one like it in the entire building.
I have lived essentially at the same address since January 7th, 2000...

New Owners, HUGE reboot.

Two efficiencies under my belt here
but now THE UNICORN, with hard wood floors and all new black appliances?
(they discovered, after making ONE 3rd story flat of a three story complex WOOD FLOORED,
that is was too loud for the neighbors underneath. MINE is the only one.)
It is what I have ALWAYS wanted, and my address of now near 14 years? Same.

Better Job.
Bigger Place.

At a time when I am frequently driving my Father
to Houston's MD Anderson, for his cancer treatments?
I needed a GOOD THING.
I needed to feed the 'Verse
that not only has always kept me on my toes
has kept me safe.
Kept me SOUND.

Time to open the Karma purse, and dig for change.

I took him on entirely.
I live so simply, I require so little to survive?
My pay was so much greater
than I had ever made (though you might laugh if you knew the numbers)
I put $500 away in savings each month.
It seemed my duty to take care of this noble person,
under wing
until he could find
His feet.

So many have, for ME.
MY turn.

But he is having trouble.......
with the jump start.
Flailing more than failing.
I have to readjust the aperture daily.

How I see him, in what light?
I am supporting a man, my own age.
I am carrying this man... and I often get angry. I get tired. My job is hard. Lonely.
I snap. I say horrid things to him.

Nothing I say is untrue, but it is not productive.
Not positive.
I am not his wife, I am not his mother.
A year ago I did not know he existed.

Now he is my dependent.

I want him to find work, get his place.....FINALLY.
Be happy and grow and thrive in this wonderful TOWN that I wanted him to enjoy.

It goes day to day.
Moment to Moment.
Checking myself, learning, paying attention to where my anger comes from?
I have the money.

I just thought, finally, after all these years?
I would use this with all of my other resources from this job
to travel, to explore more of what this life has to offer me.

We both drink too much.
He finishes my last beer......way too often.
That is what pisses me off most.

I want him out.
I want him productive and happy and OUT.

He's funny, and smart, and curious and sincere.
And a basket case.

I suppose that is what drew me to him.
Caused me to make this offer that put me in this painted in corner?
He reminds me of the very best and the very worst

This isn't supposed to be romantic, but what in my life do I put effort into
that is not? We too often forget the true definition of "ROMANTIC"
this chaos.......oh my. It so is.

I learn more about myself every day, in this boiling pot.

I am growing.

That is good.

I am opening places in myself... long dead, or never touched.

This is an exercise in LENS SHIFTING.
I am seeing myself, across the years, for the first time.
Through the eyes of everyone who ever helped or supported me.
He is no different than I am.

But we do...
We really do
Need to find the man a job.


Spiral note books and Disney hard covers.

He's like me.

He wants me and he's like me.

I have wanted him, forever.

And finally.......
Beatnikside wants me too.

if you were only for THIS.
Thank you live journal.

Letter to Boss, I never see:


I am wildly aware that a great deal has been placed on your proverbial "Plate" of late...
I have been reticent to contact you about my own issues because the big picture is of course of most importance at the moment. But sometimes, when you don't air the laundry? *laughing* Well... it just gets wrinkled and smells like sour vegetables.
I don't want to smell like sour vegetables. (@)___(@)

For the first time ever, during ACL, I found myself unable to drive my Pop to MD Anderson in Houston for his cancer treatments (this happens every 90 days). It was a black out period for requests off, and I completely understood. I came into this job knowing there would be times I would not be able to do exactly what I wanted.

They made it without me, took two days driving back and stayed in a hotel. Mum can't really drive for more than an hour or so with her gimpy "bionic" shoulder, and Pop feels icky after the treatments. But they made it, and it was fine.

But I lost my Sundays. Greg was trying to figure out what to do with his new opportunity, and I know you are looking at a pile of scribbles from all of us about schedule... Sunday was SO important to my mental health. *sigh* I LOVE THIS JOB, I even enjoy being TWILIGHT shift... but it does take away from being around OTHER PEOPLE. Sunday was ONE day I could spend with my best friend Daniel, who has an 8-4 Mon-Fri job...
AND it was a day I could set out on the road for Waxahachie. Be there by mid morning when I got off my Saturday overnight shift--and go to Church with my Family. That has always been important to me.

I don't need EVERY Sunday off.
And I don't need it RIGHT AWAY.
I just need to the future, at some point?
I can have a semblance of my life back.

I've been in the service industry for nearly a quarter of a century, because I LOVE PEOPLE. I love being around them, making them happy, and soaking up all the energy they provide. THIS is a rather isolated position. I miss....People.
I'm almost always alone on my shifts, and then when I get off? Everyone I know is either
heading into work at their "Normal" jobs, or fast asleep.

I go to bed at 1PM, alarm goes off at 9pm.

Sunday, with a Monday off after it?
I can stay up all day... Spend time with the people I love? And then crash.
Ready to be alert and shiny at work, Tuesday night. ^___^

You have my email, now, Christopher.
If there is ever anything that you want me to 'work on' or that you are not happy with?
I really want you to let me know. I have almost ZERO contact with any of my relevant managers/Talent Coaches? I was trained for two weeks, and then left on my own to figure the rest of it out. I'm pretty good at figuring stuff out...but sometimes?

Well, I just feel left out.
And uninformed.

My training on the 30th?
I'm not complaining about the time (9AM to 2PM) or even the meeting later that day...
(At 3:30PM) on my day off...
Nope, but I will complain a bit about the fact that I don't even know what it IS.
What should I wear? Do I come in Uniform? Where IS IT, WHAT IS IT???
I mean, I am not trying to be difficult--honestly I am not--but this is blind.
I get a date and a time?

Everyone else, can ask HR on shift......
Me, I have to be awake at an awkward time OFF the clock and come in and ask.

I have done this for other similar...STUFF.
I just want a line, to someone, someone in charge who will tell me what all of this means.
I just want to be informed.
I'd like that to be YOU.

I assure you, my dear adorable Ginger-Ale drinking TALENT COACH?
I am a Team Player.
I love this game.

And this, this is one of the VERY best teams.....
I have ever played for.

~IRD Ginger

(this is addressing something on the wall, left blind. And he's a fancy man, who won't mind me calling him adorable *laughing* Or Fancy.)
1st LJ Pic

Hullo Old Friend.

I know I keep saying this, but I am really going to make an effort to get back here.

I have this great new job. It's queer at best, odd. But the money is fantastic and the benefits are unreal in this economy. I'm an over night Room Service server at The "W" in Austin.

Rock Stars and weird rich white people who answer the door nekid.
That said, I have been dying to tell the story of something that happened to me only yesterday...
Not the Hotel, just me. Out and about on a day off. I don't get to be very social any more. My shift is from 10pm to 6am. Lots of restructuring? So days off are blighted by sleeplessness. Gotta do stuff, must be around PEOPLE! Always a bit in a fog of sleep deprivation.

Facebook simply does not have the room, or the temperature.

I'd mailed a package to Japan, a belated birthday present for a Clever Clown friend of mine in a Circus there now. Then I just sort of drove... North. Wound around UT Campus. Found myself at the North Central Market. I was wearing red plaid skinny jeans and an "ULTIMATE 6" comic book shirt. The guy in the bread department, did a double take. So I said: 'Morning!
I'm 42, he was hot tall DARK and gorgeous with an interestingly trimmed beard. Maybe 25? Maybe?
He says: I like your shirt.
(we are both so awkward, so silly.)
He's putting loaves of artisan bread on a rack....
"UM" he says, to keep the moment from ending?
"I hear there is a Comicon in town soon?"
Yeah, yeah yeah, 26th through the 28th. Whole reunion of STNG!
I can't make it. Lot's of Joss folks will be there too...
I have to work.
"Oh, that's not cool."
(he is young and beautiful and talking to me...hitting on me???)
I say:
I was surprised to find out tickets were still available.
But they start at $50.
He says: that's really not so much, considering.
I KNOW--HUNGH? I was at the (ginger just dives in at this point)
the Dallas Comicon in May, and Patrick Stewart did a panel. I think,
I would have tried harder for this one if that were not the case....
THIS would have been a GREAT time for me to laugh, extend my hand, and say:
Hey, I'm ginger. What's your name?

That didn't happen. He was too Hot, and my brain broke.

But it's good. I needed that.
And WOW, not even the story I meant to tell.

Hey, if you still read this?
Kathy, that was one of the shirts you gave me
when I was in Hospital after the wreck.
You who are not a fan of my favourite media?
You always found the best.

The real story, and maybe it isn't the real story...
Is about a guy on a motorcycle, behind me, when I was driving North on Lamar.
He had the GOGGLES. I do love the goggles...
And the messenger bag, and (did let him pass) little beard, with lip pierced.
The helmet, that helmet, that looks 1942 but isn't? All very utilitarian.

I am most embarrassed by the fact that cannot describe his machine properly.
It was NEW, but it wasn't. The sense of HORIZONTAL being fore front...very German.
Do you know what I mean?

He was behind or beside whole drive North, to my favourite Asian Grocery Store.
A complex, really. (I call it "THE FORBIDDEN CITY" but it seems to be happy calling itself
'The M.T. Market') He turned off just before I got there.

The story REALLY begins, on my drive back.

I had the radio on, was munching "Hot Garlic Shrimp Chips" from a bag....destroying my lipstick.
And behind me?
The handsomely goggled Motorboy.

That is not possible.

Yet there he was.

And we drove HOME together.
ALL the way to Manchaca.
There was a stalky thing inside me that wanted to follow him home.
He turned off just before I turn off. I could have followed....
And just gone home along that route?

Stalky is bad.

I take this as a lesson in restraint.
And a lesson in perspective.

This is a very tiny world.
Play nice.

This is the better Place...

I did a bad version of this on Facebook in a note.
Why don't I just come HERE.

*head in hands*

Remember how I was fired from Z-Tejas on the 28th, 1998?
Matt Dodson was on Family leave because he was having a little girl...
He and his wife, were having a little girl.

The guy (lord, if I could remember his name) who was managing the NORTH store
came to sub him out. Stand in. Take his place for a bit...
*grinds teeth*
He was a coke head and a bastard. I suppose the two go hand in hand.

One of our girls that afternoon did something wrong.
And that son of a... *head in hands*
He undressed her verbally in front of the entire kitchen and wait staff.
It was busy.

I had TWO things on my mind when I went at him.
I said them both.

"She's in the bathroom crying now, and not serving her tables. HOW?
How did what you just did HELP the situation?"

Are you telling me how to MANAGE?

"Yes, she's completely undone now and won't be worth shit!
HOW was what you just did now GOOD MANAGEMENT? Talk to her after the SHIFT!"

You can leave NOW.
he said.
And I turned on my heal and said

"No I cannot. My food is up, and this is a restaurant."

I took my food to my tables and the day continued.

The next day I came in...
Matt was back.
Our REAL manager.

I worked through lunch...
and then he took me to the fish bowl.
That queer little place made of glass.
And he told me I wasn't..."Up to Speed"

I stood and shook his hand, looked him DEAD in the eyes.
"Thank you for being so honest with me"
He cringed a bit... he should.

I got on the Dillo (free bus back then) and went to Lovejoys.
Where my friends poured me proper pints of Guinness...
And Bill patted my head.

We drank until I was silly.....
and Bill took me home.

He and I were having another drink, when the phone rang.
I had a crappy phone. It just was hung up when it was sitting on something.
No one in my world had a cell phone yet. It was 1998.

Bill says my legs went out from under me like water.

It wasn't what she said.
It was the moment I realised who she WAS.

She said: Blanche
and I thought: MY FRIEND FROM 4th GRADE!
and then she said Sherer.

and i knew what that meant.

I had always known...I think.
That I would get this phone call.

My knees went to water, Bill says.
But I finished the conversation with his Mother.
I wrote some things down.

And then i just dissolved.

I didn't come up for air for a long long time.

I can breathe now.
And when I rolled over 'awake' this morning...hung over
at 10:30 AM?

The first thing I thought about....was the strangest most wonderful...

Some little girl?
She just had a 14th Birthday.

THAT was what I woke up to in my head.

I smiled, I grabbed my little shiny phone
I called the man who saved my life after the wreck...
and I told him JUST THAT--he said I made his day.

Made my day too.

I forgot that part, for FOURTEEN YEARS.

Matt's little girl?
She just turned 14.

A Good Day...26th of January.

Back and forth on the job market...
Still hoping beyond all hope I will hear from Travis County about the Dispatch job.
The part time seasonal jobs came and went.
Looking AGAIN--knowing that the moment I find something I have committed myself to?

The phone will ring.

But TODAY...was Good.

I got a really positive email from Pop, he's had a few windfalls with the whole VA situation (long story) and they seem to finally be taking care of some things they should have YEARS ago. He may very soon be given the title 100% disability--since they have now been given absolute evidential proof that his time flying rescue through 'Agent Orange' is in fact what gave him the cancer. (Thus a Precedent.)

For him it is a battle for those of his fellow soldiers who do not have the financial resources he does.

As he mounts letter writing campaign after another, to make sure that the voices of his less fortunate comrades ARE HEARD... I am nothing but MORE proud of a man who has ALWAYS been my Hero.

I'll be leaving for Waxahachie on Saturday, so Pop and Mum and I can make the drive to MD ANDERSON in Houston, for his treatments on Monday. They seem to be...working. We are going to have more time with him. Does not seem there will be a cure...but we may get an extra decade together with this "experimental trial" he was able to make it onto.

Very cheerfully on the phone this afternoon he told me about a "Trust" he was able to work out with his that when each of us pass, in whatever order? (*cringe*) There will be no legal problems. Not like there would be with a regular will. He was quite chuffed about the whole thing and described how it worked to me in great detail...while I tried to "uh huh" between legal terms...without bursting into tears. He and I spend at least 3 hours a week on the phone, Skype now more often. I really do not like when he starts talking about the money he is leaving behind--apparently it is substantial--I know he wants me to know I will be taken care of? But I never wanted to be taken care of.

I just want my Pop.

I did my taxes today.
Was floored.
I only worked for about 4 months this last year, but I'm getting $557 back.

Something good to tell my Pop. I was up there for so long, helping out. He's picked up a lot of tabs for me this year. Makes me want to curl up in a ball. I've always taken care of myself. I just, with everything that was happening I just didn't take a "real" job after leaving Casino's last March. I needed to be available to my family. And I was. It was so cool to be up there that long... to be present, to help out Mum. To do the driving to Houston... But yeah. He's picked up an enormous percentage of my bills. Though he said: ALL of your bills are less than a thousand dollars a month! I practically pay that in cable and internet! *sigh*

It's the principal.

But with what is left from my seasonal job at Target, and that?
I won't have to bug him until March--and I will be working by then. I will. Of course I will...

My friend the cop offered me a little part time, reading his textbooks to tape.
I got the email today. I was THRILLED. You know I love the sound of my own voice...*LAUGHING*
And I'll learn stuff, too. Things I hope will help me in the job I feel I am destined for.
CALL ME FOR THE 911 DISPATCH.....please. We all worked so hard on my resume.
I went in, I was there for a ten hour shift...
I discovered my PASSION.
I would be so good at this. I would.

Tomorrow is the 14 year anniversary of Steven931's death.
14 years.
It hardly seems possible. I usually get quite worked up on the 26th.
Three days, really, the day before--the DAY--and then the 28th when I got the call from California...
from Blanche, his mother.

I'll be driving to my Parents on the 28th.
I knew better than to leave on the 27th.

But it has been a Good Day.
And I've grown.
I'm stronger now, in many ways.

I was 27.
What does anyone know about life, at 27?

I was certain of many many things...actually.
The sort of stuff I am no longer certain of.
But I have worn this skin in a bit, and I wear it more comfortably.
Year of the Dragon. Year I turn 42.

There is a moment, I do not think it is the same for every one...
But there is simply a moment when the absolutes fall away.

And you are grateful.
If only for one Good Day.

Time after Time

There must be absolutes.
Things, things that cannot break.

I have two
I have always kept.

ALWAYS refill the ice tray.

ALWAYS replace the toilet tissue.

It's like a work-out.
The muscles are know.
Two simple things, that with a gun to your head--you will still do.

I do them,
and I fear the gun..... but I have practised.

When real things surface, there is a place in you that never broke.

There must be a place in you, that NEVER broke.
Otherwise, you just dive to the point of survival.

We're just mammals.
Ani-Mal that's fun to take apart in Latin.

We know what we are. We've known it for a long time.
It is rising ABOVE that...

That makes us alien, and Human.

So stupid, the things I chose.
Elemental. Just a toilet paper roll, and ice.

It keeps me from doing BAD things.
I have done something ALWAYS.

There is a place inside me that can call...

This idea is usually taken by Religion.

It is easier for me, to fill ice trays with water...
than believe a man once walked on it.

We are Human.
Wild hairless monkeys changing the very rock they live on.

We have no religion any more.
We lack, absolutes.

First world, damaging WHOLE world.

Just to chose a THING, and ALWAYS do it.
To exercise that muscle?

My parents taught me to believe.
And I do.
There is always HOPE.
Prayer works.

I don't align myself with their ideas of GOD....
But I know they are on the right rail.

hairless monkeys UNITE!
But more importantly?
Find something. No matter how common?
And just do it ALWAYS.

We need that muscle.


I wanted to pay for the whole year...
it seems they are only taking it out a bit a month?
My checking was billed a $1.39 ?

oh fuck.
that is awesome.
LJ is billing me 931 in reverse!???

Happy New Year Everyone.
I'll try and catch up with each of you.