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Red Lipstick & Green Ink [userpic]

Oh, Heavens.

March 30th, 2007 (03:00 pm)

I just poured what would have been an "LJ-CUT" post...
into a response to a comment.

Had to back up and cut it in half, post it separately.
LJ wouldn't accept that much text as a response.

That has to say something about the state my mind is in.

I really need to TALK with someone.

I have been too isolated for too long.
Words.
I need words.
I need to hear them, I need to speak them.

I hope I am not building this Slumber Party up,
too much.

I just want to have a good time, want Kym to have a good time.

But I am so unconditionally lonely.

I have never deprived myself of so much for so long.

I live easy, I live day to day, I want control--but not to be in charge.
The older I grow, the more a WOMAN i become.

I have never liked WOMEN.

I have always, ever, wanted to be a Girl.

An Odd Girl.

Shouldn't it be easier the older one gets?
One has more experience...

As I have gathered...experience does only one thing.
Make time pass faster.

One shrugs off the moments of the day, because each moment is far too familiar.
And suddenly YEARS have gone by.

When I knew nothing, I paid attention to the moments.
They lasted.

Think about High School.
Four years.

How much of those FOUR years
have shaped who you are
and how you view the World
TODAY?

Didn't they last FOREVER?

I blinked, and 7 years were spent.

The decade nearly over, the crisis of the Millinium ...passed.

I'll be 40 soon.
Very Very Soon.

In 3 and a half years.

Tonight at 6 PM I will ride my bent scooter to work in the rain.
I will wear a black baby-T with KEEP AUSTIN WEIRD
printed in bold white letters on the back.

On my chest, where the bent S (for Stevens, not Super) should be...
A small picture of Susan's Grandmother--and the words OPAL DIVINE'S.

i love where i work, and who i work for, and who i work with....

I just thought, I just thought I would have found something more....
MORE

by now.

More than a house I adore, and a Boy who tolerates me.

A dog that bothers me, but must be loved...
And a cat, I never thought I would love--who jumps out of the tree and comes inside
whenever my scooter pulls into the drive.

*sigh*

Yes, I know.
It isn't that bad, it isn't that empty.

This is being a Grown Up.

Ally Sheedy's character in THE BREAKFAST CLUB was my hero in High School...
And through three schools in three countries--without my doing, THE BASKET CASE
was my nik-name.

SHE said: When you Grow up...
Your heart dies.


She was wrong.
My heart is not dead.

When you grow up, it just....hurts differently.

Comments

Posted by: hairypolack (hairypolack)
Posted at: March 30th, 2007 08:46 pm (UTC)
EvilMatt July2006

A girls slumber party?

HOT!

Are you gonna wear teddies and have a pillow fight?

grrrrrrowl!

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: March 30th, 2007 08:58 pm (UTC)
Bad Girl

Yes, yes we are.

Posted by: Coffee Shop Whore (skidspoppe)
Posted at: March 31st, 2007 01:00 am (UTC)

Will you take pictures?

Posted by: beatnik sidearm (beatnikside)
Posted at: March 30th, 2007 11:12 pm (UTC)

You are still you, G. Grown up, beat down, no matter. You'll be you until this world ends, and thank heaven for that. The world is weirder and wonderful and more warm for having you in it.

Your heart is strong. Stronger than you think. It will pull you through. And anyone who loves life as much as you do can and will find their way back to the pursuit of happiness.

By the way: Don't sweat 40. It's a load of bollocks. I'm every bit the obnoxious teenager I was ten, twenty years ago. And I still look awfully good.

Posted by: Amethest (amethest)
Posted at: March 31st, 2007 04:42 am (UTC)

Thanks for posting this, although I've lived a lot less, but having no less a life. (I think that's the way around I wanted that to work.)

Your day here was my day, too. Well, without the tee-shirt.

My mother phoned last night to complain about the MORE. "It seems all you do is sleep, work, and be in the SCA."

"All I do is Robin, Dave, Work, and the SCA."

"You need to be doing MORE."

But what is more, when what one is is content?

I needed to be reminded that I am merely a sucess onto myself, so thank you for reminding me.

It is not the life I dreamed for myself, but it is yet a Dream I live.

*big hugs* You rock, one day at a time. And you know it!

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