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Red Lipstick & Green Ink [userpic]

I am becoming so very Un-interesting...

September 30th, 2006 (04:03 pm)
current song: In the Lost and Found (Honky Bach) - Elliott Smith

I need a project.

Something on which my spinning wheels--might find traction.

I haven't come up with more energy than it takes to make it to work these days.
Losing two waitresses in the last several days, has made my schedule a bit rich.

I wish I could have left with Benjamin this afternoon....
Dog and Boy piled into the truck and headed off to meet the others.
My head is all cluttered and my body hurts.

I imagine myself out on that boat, the sun high and the wind in my face.
Nothing to do but relax and laugh. Barefooted and half naked...
A fire with meat on it, sleeping under the stars?

Release.

I want something more to look forward to...than more sleep.

I know it is a moment, this too shall pass, but it is so heavy right now...
The struggle is knotting me up.

I have to make something, I have to make something to look forward to.

It was hard not to be angry when he drove away, and left me alone
with the new washing machine and a house full of dirty clothes...
and a long closing shift on a saturday night making other people's weekend
fun.

He works hard too, he needs this release as much as I do.
I couldn't do what he does, locked up in that cubical.

But there is something charming about the idea of a set schedule of 7-4
Monday through Friday with an hourly wage that doesn't depend on how well
you can BE ON that day. No song and dance for your dinner...just do the job and
get paid and then at the end of the week--TWO DAYS off.

A pay check--not coins tossed to you for your charm.
The whim of the masses...

When you go in, you know how many hours you will work, you know what you will make
you know when it will be over....there is an end in sight.

Oh, I am angry.
Irrationally so, but yes......I am.

We have no time together, the time we have is strained by the difference of our jobs.
He doesn't understand, I don't understand...

Frustration wells.

The hopelessness I am feeling comes from my not being able to focus.
I must find a plan.
Construct a place for myself...to be happy in.
I could find the energy, if I had focus.

...It's the STUDY...isn't it.
That pile of books....that whole room with the door closed.
Amy's print unframed, Jillian's charcoal unframed, my boxes full of objet?
My journals in a stack on the floor.

I haven't had the nerve to claim this space.
To commit to this home.
All my wailing and gnashing of teeth...

I am lonely because I have not spent any time with myself.

For myself.

I complain that I have no where to go--but have made no effort
to build a place to be.

The loop of daily grinding has removed my will.
I have let myself go....
Funny--the folks I work with keep telling me how great I look,
have lost so much weight and cut that wig of a bob off to a clean pixie.

I look down and just see myself wasting away, cutting off and losing...
Closing myself. Bruised and tired.

I cannot blame the boy.

Nothing is going to change until I change it.
I am the only thing I have the power to change.

I need to put my "Mirror of Truth" back up on a wall.