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Red Lipstick & Green Ink [userpic]

"When I grow up..."

October 10th, 2013 (09:32 am)

I remember learning HTML to make this thing work for me...
Cannot remember ANY of it now. Probably doesn't require it anymore, nothing does.
"Social Media"

I came to this thing thinking it would be odd to have a "Talking Journal"--in that
well
This one would talk back.

I had written everything down forever, but people could SEE this.
Comment on it?
How bizarre.

I've left my shame and pride and protocol on the floor behind me
like shed clothes
after a hard night of drinking...as I stagger to bed.
I have forgotten all the rules I wrote by, that made this space so unique and strange.

FB has made me a whore.
*laughing*
Instant fulfillment, with little effort, and look! PICTURES @____@
Gosh, they are so easy to post.

I didn't have to address the coffee stained scraps of paper surrounding my Blinky Box
scratched with all the HTML cheats I couldn't manage to memorize.

I had already stopped writing.
The accident (head injury of '07) left me feeling no need.
I wasn't hungry for it anymore.
It didn't hurt me NOT to, like it used to do.

So I learned how to post pictures of food I made, find family and old friends
world wide... I imagine I started the game in '08 with a good deal more filters built
than the average FB user--but I had been churned and learned on the Old Mill--LJ. ^___^
I find myself teaching others how to do this now, and it always surprises me how much
people don't think about what is read, and by whom.
[(SIC) i know, someone reads it all]

But this is faaaaar too much of a set up
to admit
I am here
Because I am hungry tonight. For the first time I can remember.
Nothing I have said above this line is why I came here. (I say "tonight" as a 3rd Shifter)
It is 8 in the morning... and I am on a limb looking down.

I did something.
Something from my heart. Spontaneous and with great Hope.
I met this person online, through one of my long trusted long distance LJ friends.
My friend and I have met numerous times, she has flown to Austin, I know her.
I know her heart. I helped her once a very long time ago. When I did not know her.
But I trusted her even then, and she never disappointed.

I still trust her. This is not her fault. This is no ones fault.
It simply is.

I took a leap of faith. One should do that a few times in life...
Keeps the blood flowing.

There was this boy.
Doesn't it always start this way?
And he was very sad, and very cold.
I work a lonely job that pays me well.

I would come home in the morning from work, and he and I would chat endlessly online.
He had little in the way of "devices"... so I sent him one as a gift, so it would be easier.
It was.
We could Skype.

This went on from November into Spring.
I heard his stories, I watched his face.
He wanted to be somewhere ELSE.
His life had been cruel to him, his Love had died of the very thing killing my own Father.

My heart ached for him.
I asked him if he might want...
to be somewhere else, somewhere warm?
I sent him enough money to get him HERE, here to Austin.

I told him not to come
if he was coming for ME.
I rarely feel available in that way.
He assured me that no, he was coming here to start over.

He was in a HOUSE, where he was receiving HELP after his breakdown.
I felt confident that he was in a place, inside himself, to start over.
I, for the first time in my life, had the resources to make this possible.
So he came.

That was last May.

He helped my move, in June, from my little efficiency studio apartment
into a place I happily call 'THE UNICORN' apartment.
There isn't another one like it in the entire building.
I have lived essentially at the same address since January 7th, 2000...

New Owners, HUGE reboot.

Two efficiencies under my belt here
but now THE UNICORN, with hard wood floors and all new black appliances?
(they discovered, after making ONE 3rd story flat of a three story complex WOOD FLOORED,
that is was too loud for the neighbors underneath. MINE is the only one.)
It is what I have ALWAYS wanted, and my address of now near 14 years? Same.

Better Job.
Bigger Place.

At a time when I am frequently driving my Father
to Houston's MD Anderson, for his cancer treatments?
Well.
I needed a GOOD THING.
I needed to feed the 'Verse
that not only has always kept me on my toes
has kept me safe.
Kept me SOUND.

Time to open the Karma purse, and dig for change.

I took him on entirely.
I live so simply, I require so little to survive?
My pay was so much greater
than I had ever made (though you might laugh if you knew the numbers)
I put $500 away in savings each month.
It seemed my duty to take care of this noble person,
under wing
until he could find
His feet.

So many have, for ME.
MY turn.

But he is having trouble.......
with the jump start.
Flailing more than failing.
I have to readjust the aperture daily.

How I see him, in what light?
I am supporting a man, my own age.
I am carrying this man... and I often get angry. I get tired. My job is hard. Lonely.
I snap. I say horrid things to him.

Nothing I say is untrue, but it is not productive.
Not positive.
I am not his wife, I am not his mother.
A year ago I did not know he existed.

Now he is my dependent.

I want him to find work, get his place.....FINALLY.
Be happy and grow and thrive in this wonderful TOWN that I wanted him to enjoy.

It goes day to day.
Moment to Moment.
Checking myself, learning, paying attention to where my anger comes from?
I have the money.

I just thought, finally, after all these years?
I would use this with all of my other resources from this job
to travel, to explore more of what this life has to offer me.

We both drink too much.
He finishes my last beer......way too often.
Funny.
That is what pisses me off most.

I want him out.
I want him productive and happy and OUT.

He's funny, and smart, and curious and sincere.
And a basket case.

I suppose that is what drew me to him.
Caused me to make this offer that put me in this painted in corner?
He reminds me of the very best and the very worst
of MYSELF.

This isn't supposed to be romantic, but what in my life do I put effort into
that is not? We too often forget the true definition of "ROMANTIC"
this chaos.......oh my. It so is.

I learn more about myself every day, in this boiling pot.

I am growing.

That is good.

I am opening places in myself... long dead, or never touched.

This is an exercise in LENS SHIFTING.
I am seeing myself, across the years, for the first time.
Through the eyes of everyone who ever helped or supported me.
He is no different than I am.

But we do...
We really do
Need to find the man a job.

Comments

Posted by: 2manynotes (2manynotes)
Posted at: October 11th, 2013 04:40 pm (UTC)
Bang Head Here

It's really nice to read you again. :)


Jeffrey and I went through a similar thing last Spring. It turned into something of a nightmare...though fortunately there turned out to be an exit that was graceful & face-saving for all. I hope you can find something similar...

xo

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