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Red Lipstick & Green Ink [userpic]

Still Feel Lost.

December 11th, 2007 (01:18 am)

Should be on my feet by now.
Plenty of help.

This Girl:
 




She made it.
The aphasia was only a family joke....we will all call the laundry: MANGO.
The woman who first gave me my kitty CT scan told me to my face
she couldn't believe I could speak.

I got to keep my words.

Some of them.

Most of them?

I don't write like I used to.
and I do not think like I used to.




The thing I have been most afraid of....
since I was a kid who saw Planet of the Apes?

It's that scar on the right side of his head.
I was chilled to the bone.

That scar, when I was small...I understood he had had his head
FUCKED WITH
and that was more scary than anything in the dark under my bed.

IT's been done.
I chew on the pulp of Flowers for Algernon.......arrogance.



I'm afraid and I am tired and I am sad and I am lost and I want
what I can only imagine
I have lost.

Picture kills me--the drain.
The red DRAIN out of my brain.

I will wonder for the rest of my life
what was drained away.

And what was changed when the tubes
ran between my skull and my grey matter?

I don't feel the same.

Comments

Posted by: Amethest (amethest)
Posted at: December 11th, 2007 09:14 am (UTC)

*hugs* You may be lost, but we have still found you again.

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: December 11th, 2007 10:58 am (UTC)
Girl-Wonder

And I thank you.

Posted by: Gabrielle (beeswing)
Posted at: December 11th, 2007 10:32 am (UTC)

Dear Ginger, I am rubbish at commenting because I just don't know what to say. But I do now.

I understand that you don't feel the same - you have had such scary stuff happen. Physically, you have scars and major surgery is always a big trauma to the body. You will never be exactly the same again.

BUT... you have come through it! You are such a survivor and you are made of such good stuff. Even if you don't feel quite the same - you should feel so proud of yourself for having come through it all. You are such a neat, wonderful person. These big incidents really change your life - how you feel, how you think. But you are even more now, for having come out the other side - YOU MADE IT! And I'm really glad. And I know you will find a way through.

Big hugs.

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: December 11th, 2007 10:55 am (UTC)
"But I do now"
Anais Nin

You know I never imagine you look at my place anymore...

I adore you, and your words and never really feel I have anything
to say that...

*head in hands*

Thank you.

Posted by: Gabrielle (beeswing)
Posted at: December 11th, 2007 11:20 am (UTC)
Re: "But I do now"

I read all the time - can't stop! I did go through a phase, though, when I didn't keep up with Livejournal at all. And that was around the time you had your accident, and just after. And when I came back and read through and found out, I felt absolutely awful for having missed it all and not been there to get in touch - and I've felt guilty and not really known what to say ever since. But I'm so glad you are ok - thank YOU!!!

Posted by: 2manynotes (2manynotes)
Posted at: December 11th, 2007 01:27 pm (UTC)

Change. Things we've lost we wish we could get back...and things we're happy to see gone forever. Things that were wrenched from our grasping hands, things we joyfully threw away. Things that slammed the change out of us (figuratively or literally) and things that gently led us to see the need to change. All of it in the inexorable tide of time, and life. You've had a particularly traumatic change, and it's both physical and emotional. But you're here, and you will grow -- either in spite of those changes or because of them (and it may not always be clear which it is, nor does it particularly matter). It's difficult. It's scary. We can't explain Why.

But you're here.

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: December 11th, 2007 01:47 pm (UTC)
FuzzyKittyhead

It's so late it's early.

And I read what you said, aloud to myself.

I haven't slept yet.

I will.

Thanks.

Posted by: 2manynotes (2manynotes)
Posted at: December 11th, 2007 01:50 pm (UTC)

Have good dreams.

Posted by: Janine de Luna-Azul (jbluemoon)
Posted at: December 11th, 2007 02:35 pm (UTC)

I'd really like to get to know you better. We should hang out some time (Maybe at Lovejoys?)

Posted by: stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder (433)
Posted at: December 11th, 2007 02:41 pm (UTC)

It was great to see you this past weekend!

Posted by: beatnik sidearm (beatnikside)
Posted at: December 11th, 2007 05:36 pm (UTC)

Most of the Stephen King I've read I have forgotten, because that's the way he wrote it. It's literature for the nerves. However, there's one of his phrases, from Firestarter, that is a favorite of mine:

The brain is a muscle. The brain is a muscle that can move the world

In Firestarter, the characters could literally manipulate their worlds with their minds. Your case is different, Patient Ginger, but not that different. Your mind is still your own, and but for a few liters of fluid, it's still there. It's an atrophied muscle at present -- for the past few months, it has concentrated on little but its own welfare -- but even now it's toning up, taking on sinew, re-learning how to move the world around it.

You have one of the most extraordinary minds I know. From what I've read here, nothing has changed that. Your confidence is badly shaken -- of course -- and while I know it's easy to believe that some of the good stuff in your head ran out into jars, I promise you that's not the case. Your learnings, dreams, your desires, your imaginings are all still there, hidden, and they take but a bit of exercise to bring them to the fore.

You are still Ginger. And you can look forward to being Ginger for a good long time. That's a great thing for you, and a great thing for me, too, because I love reading your posts. Have faith, dear friend.

Posted by: Bobby (mezaway)
Posted at: December 11th, 2007 07:10 pm (UTC)

Hail Ginger! She is ever!

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: December 12th, 2007 06:52 am (UTC)
Boy Of Steel

Litmus, litmus paper....am I spelling it right?

you're mine.

Never met you.
Talked with you briefly on a cell phone one night....
Did I know you, or Jaq, first?

I cannot remember.

You're my litmus paper.

A 'dip stick' if you will.....

A Beatniksidearm is a pen.

And you have an Underwood tattooed in your skin.

I think I have a picture of it saved in my Blinky Box somewhere..........



Your pictures are so YOURS that even 1964 Fair pictures are recognizable...
as yours

Simply by the way you re framed them.

Your eye.
Your PEN.

You've been a HERO of mine for a long time.




So when you say, I can make it?
I Believe.

Posted by: emily (tugena13)
Posted at: December 11th, 2007 05:57 pm (UTC)
braaaaaaains

yes, but you're ALIVE. think of how much you would have lost had the result of the accident been different? how much the WORLD would have lost?

i'm thankful you're here. your synapses might be slow (be patient, they're still healing!), but your personality is intact. you're still YOU, and nothing can change that.

also, i thought my zombie icon would be appropriate when talking about your brains... your delicious, delicious brains. :)

Posted by: Bobby (mezaway)
Posted at: December 11th, 2007 07:08 pm (UTC)
Amelie

Your LJ entries still read, for me, the same as ever they did. Cadence, reason....it's all still there. They're just all the more precious to me because things worked out as they did. I'm not gonna get a new eye, you have the same brain and mind. We adapt to each other!

That which doesn't kill you.......

Posted by: Red Lipstick & Green Ink (ginger931)
Posted at: December 12th, 2007 05:02 am (UTC)
Anais Nin

You're lying, my darling...

I don't write ANYTHING anymore so how could it be like it was?

But I adore you, your support?

I just adore you.

^_^

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